I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
