I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
