And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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