I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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