I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
