The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
