Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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