I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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