WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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