I cannot find my penis.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
