Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
