And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
