I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
we're so committed to being not committed
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