Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
