I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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