Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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