Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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