but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
