One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
