Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
pop tarts are not kleenex
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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