We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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