The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
