my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
