im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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