dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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