Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
