hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
