Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
