I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
