I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
