Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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