Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
