she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
