it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
