My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
