Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I want a musical about memes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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