Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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