Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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