I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
