I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
