Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize