Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
