In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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