Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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