I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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