remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
