nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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