Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
