So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
