Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
