He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
