allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
