if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
